A 54-year-old gay man is my Prozac

Um, I don’t really know how to say this, but…I think I love Tim Gunn more than anything in my entire life. And I don’t know how to deal with the seriousness of that statement. I just finished watching tonight’s Project Runway, which (thankfully) was very Tim Gunn heavy (although Michael Kors said “boobs” way too many times for my liking) and I’m so giddy I can barely contain myself. I have all of this girlish energy built up from the past hour, and the only way I can think to expel it properly is to have a good old-fashioned skip. I have no idea the last time I honest-to-God skipped somewhere, but I want to get my fucking skip on. In a posy field. And I want to twirl around. And giggle. And I want to wear a puffy pink party dress with a bow in my hair. What’s wrong with me? Who am I? For Christ’ sake, I’ve been prancing around my house like Jack McFarland for a good 15 minutes now.

It's just that Tim Gunn makes me so genuinely happy. He has this soothing presence that makes me believe everything going badly in my life will fix itself and it’s going to be ok. My life goal is to hug him. Just a hug! No more, no less. I mean he's like a kitten; everything he does is so fucking adorable. I don’t really gush or prattle that much, but when I see Tim Gunn, even in still photographs, I just have to squeal and giggle like a school girl. I don’t think it’s likely I’ll find my own child as adorable as I find Tim Gunn, and that makes me intensely worried. If I took a wrong turn and stumbled into a dark alley just in time to see Tim Gunn kill a hooker (“make THIS work!”—stab, stab!…or at least that’s how I see it playing out…) I think I would just get the giggles, jump up and down a few times and ask if he wants to cuddle in a trash pile. That’s not a normal reaction.

And for someone who is so beloved, revered, influential and fabulous, he’s so humble! He says that after work he goes straight home, gets into his PJs, makes dinner and hunkers down to watch a good night of TV! The mental picture of Tim Gunn in his jammies watching Gilmore Girls is so adorable I might pee my pants. And speaking of Tim’s Pjs! Did you know that at the age of 54, he just bought his first Queen size bed and got rid of his old twin. HEHEHEHAAHHAOMGLOLZ, now I’m thinking about Tim in a onesie curled up in a twin bed with Winnie the Pooh sheets. And I just peed my pants. Oh, you should also know that I’m totally getting a tattoo of me and Tim Gunn riding a bicycle built for two after tonight’s episode. Did you see his little blue helmet?! HEHEHEEhhheee…

I love the way he speaks. He’s the most concise and articulate man in the entire world. Plus, he uses rull big ass words like consternation, placated, precipitous and Sturm und Drang. One time in my info graphics class senior year, I had to give a presentation on short notice that I hadn’t prepared a speech for. When I got up to the podium, I pretended I was Tim Gunn addressing the workroom and delivered an eloquent and thoughtful presentation successfully, no lie. People complimented my speaking skills afterwards. I did not reveal I was pretending I was Tim Gunn in my head, however.

Speaking of words, caucus is the most fun word in the English language and I say it 98% more thanks to Tim Gunn. It’s like cock and cactus. Tim also introduced me to the phrase “that’s a lot of look,” and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

I can’t handle it when Tim gets emotional on the show though. When Tim hurts, I hurt. I cried my face off tonight when he got choked up and cried when it was time to say goodbye to the designers. I was able to keep it together until he reached up to wipe his little tears away and I saw that limp little wrist of his shaking like a leaf. I just lost it. He’s just such a genuine, good person and it warms this jaded heart of mine. I get so angry and frustrated everyday surrounded by asshole white caps, shitty drivers, Sarah Palin, evil bosses etc. and then I see Tim Gunn and my faith in humanity is fully restored. Some people have religion to keep them grounded and happy, I have Tim Gunn.

I didn’t know how to express my emotions earlier, so I wrote Tim a poem. I call it, “Hey, Thanks!”

My teas gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window and I cant see at all
And even if I could itd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life