Why I wish I could vote for John McCain

Preface: Apologies to anyone who expected today's post to be a re-cap of last night's VMAs. Watching the VMAs is what I imagine watching porno with your parents to be like; unbearably uncomfortable. I did occasionally flip to MTV to catch a few seconds of the show. I tuned in just in time to see Paris Hilton walk on stage as the camera panned to the guy who played McLovin nodding his head up and down slowly like, "Yea, I'd totally tap that." I flipped back to MTV five minutes later to see Kid Rock looking remarkably like a drunk soccer mom in a black and white Juicy track suite, blue solo cup in hand, yelling at the crowd to kiss his ass. Flashbacks to my youth soccer league days ensued and I gave up and turned the TV off.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog.

For someone who grew up in the suburbs of DC and went to American University, I really hate politics and want absolutely nothing to do with them. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't have educated opinions on important issues or care about my country; it's that I'm lazy and get frustrated really easily. When discussing political issues with someone from an opposing point-of-view, most people get fired up and love the challenge of the ensuing debate. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm trying to give a hand job wearing boxing gloves-- I don't see the point, don't want to do the work and end up quitting before the job is done.

But I've found a political topic that I'm surprisingly passionate about. I'm somewhat hesitant to say this, but hear me out: I love John McCain. I love John McCain so much, I wish I could throw my conscious and morals aside and actually vote for him.

I have delineated my most persuading points on this topic in order of importance:

- McCain passes what I call my "beer test." I just want to get a booth at an Applebees, order a couple Buds and shoot the shit with him. Maybe even get a half price appetizer and order a second round to make the moment last. I feel like if I sat down with Obama over beers, we would just sit there and stare at each other awkwardly while he Purells his hands every time he touches the table.

- Cindy McCain.

Talk about MILF, or FLIWF if you will. Cindy McCain looks like she's about six vicodins to the wind and has no idea where she is or what she's clapping for (but wherever she is, thank God she's looking flawless in Oscar de la Renta.) Call me old-fashioned, but that is what I call a politician's wife.

- Meghan McCain.

Oh my gawd! That's MY first name too!! AND WE SPELL *MEGHAN* THE SAME WAY! TEEHEETEEHEE! But really, I do feel a fondness for Meghan McCain that expands beyond our "gh" spelling bond. She's liberal (as am I), still supports her dad (which warms my heart), posed in a GQ article supporting her dad, beer in her hand (I like beer. I support my dad.) and strategized to get young voters to support McCain by publicly befriending conservative Heidi Montag from The Hills. (I secretly like Heidi better than LC. I know, it's scandalous.) Overall, well played Meghan McCain, well played.

- Blender magazine asked both presidential candidates to list the top 10 songs that get them pumped up. McCain's #1 hype song was "Dancing Queen" by Abba. Enough said.

- The Conan Factor. One of my favorite segments on The Conan O'Brien show is "Secrets" where guests sit in a interrogation room and confess to hilarious things. John McCain's "Secrets" segment is one of my all time favorites. My favorite secret: "Today we call it 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Back when I was in Vietnam we called it 'I'm scared. Hold me."

- I don't know what all this jazz about Obama being such a looker is. I think the cutie between the two is hands-down McCain. He's so adorable! Not in an older distinguished gentleman kind of way, more in a Hans Moleman kind of way, which I think I respect more.


Oh Mr. McCain, how I wish I could give you my vote. Alas, I can't. Unfortunately for you, I have more gay friends than a fat girl at drama camp, hate going to back alleys for my abortions and basically disagree with every single political view you have.

Also, Sarah Palin?

Really? And you called her your soul mate? Perhaps I don't know you as well as I think I do if your soul mate is a woman who looks like a high school teacher who totally has sex with her students, but claims it isn't statutory rape because it's totally real love!

So, it's with a heavy heart that I finally retire my threat to vote for John McCain. Johnny, I hope you lose in a big way in November, which pains me to say.

But in the mean time, John McCain, this Buds for you.