I would rather set myself on fire than write a cover letter...

I’m going down an emotional spiral of pure disappointment now that I’ve given up on my dream of an endless summer and am actively trying to get hired somewhere for reals for reals. I’m fully aware that I’m being a complete brat about this process. I really do understand that everyone has to get a job. I understand that in our society, money is exchanged for services, which is then used to buy shelter, transportation, food, clothing, one’s bar tab and other such life-sustaining necessities. I’m just convinced there has to be some way I can get around that, which doesn’t involve prostitution, drug trafficking or selling my Jewish eggs.

You know who I blame for this whole disillusionment (because Lord knows I’m certainly not to blame for attaining this level of obnoxiousness…)? I blame Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. How dare you, sirs, create and flaunt a false illusion of a lifestyle that could never be. I have two words for the both of you: Cosmo Kramer. That’s what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a professional character, a professional quirky best friend. And I want to live comfortably in a nice apartment in the city while doing it, which I don’t think is too much to ask for. But this is a dream that can never be. It’s “unrealistic” and I’m being a “selfish” “child” for thinking I can achieve it. Thanks a lot Larry David. I’m going to go kick a young gymnastic hopeful in the kneecap as hard as I can to dash her Olympic dreams just to balance out the universe.

I think the worst part the job hunt is writing cover letters. Whoever invented the cover letter is a real jerk-off. According to any HR person I’ve talked to, nobody reads them and yet every job requires you waste your time writing one. What is a cover letter? It states what your background is, why you want the job and why you think you would be a good candidate, right? Well why don’t you take a gander at my resume, which states my background, which in turn qualifies me for the job. And if I’m applying for this job in the first place, I clearly want it, so why must I write you a formal love letter explaining that out of all of the places of employment, YOURS is special and different than the rest and we’re a perfect match?

This is a cover letter I just emailed to a prospective employer:

“To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Meghan and I am applying for the [job title] position at [place of employment].

I recently relocated to Washington, DC from New York City, where I worked in publication design for a national entertainment magazine. While this was a wonderful experience in design, I am interested in exploring the journalistic side of the communication field. I would like to express my sincere interest in doing so with [place of employment] as the [position].

I graduated from American University in 2007 with a BA in graphic design and minors in communication studies and art history, cum laude.

I strongly believe that I am the perfect candidate for this position. I have professional experience in the communication industry as well as academic experience in writing for communications, public relations and journalism. I am an energetic self-starter, extremely organized and a very effective communicator—both verbally and visually. In addition, I have worked as an assistant in government and private offices as well as artistic environments.

I believe that my communications background, organizational skills and administration experience make me an important asset to [place of employment].

As requested, I earned [dollar amount] a year in my last position. I have attached my resume for your review and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,

Meghan

Enclosure

Here’s what that actually says when you wipe away the bullshit:

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Meghan and I need a job. I just moved from New York to DC because I recently had a mini-crisis during which I realized I don’t want to do what I went to college for and don’t have a backup plan. I feel sort of screwed but I need money so I’m applying for your random assistant job to hang at for a while I figure out what’s up.

I have a college education that is currently doing jackshit for me while I hustle hard to pay back my student loans. But, all that matters is I have a college education, so I’m super psyched I spent $38,000 a year for four years so you can check that little box next to my name.

I think I’m the perfect candidate for this job because it isn’t rocket science and I’m not a blow up doll. I’ve had jobs before and I didn’t burn the place down, so kudos to me. I’ll work moderately hard for you depending on how much I like you. If I don’t like you, I’ll work the bare minimum and spend the rest of my day talking shit about you on gchat and Wikipedia-ing random things like Easter Island to make the time pass. Therefore, I recommend you not act like an ass on a power trip, for your sake and mine.

I’m going to level with you, I totally need this. I live with my parents, and while they’re cool, I’m going crazy and need to move into the city. I’m pretty easy to get along with though and have references from various friends who can attest that I’m a good time. So just be a buddy and bring me in for an interview where I’ll charm the pants off you. Please? Seriously. I have Jewish eggs if you want them.

Love always,
Meg

You know what makes me want to cry for 45 minutes and then quit this foolishness and get the inevitable job at Hooters? When I pulled up the cover letter I just wrote to compare it to what it actually means, I found a blaring grammatical error.

I hate you Seinfeld.