Enzymes of pain

Working with people with addictions has shown me the first step is admitting there is a problem. I am ready to finally come clean after almost 20 years…

HI MY NAME IS EDDIE AND I AM LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

Dairy is a bad relationship I just cannot shake. I want to love dairy, I try to love diary, I plead with dairy for love but diary does not listen. Instead dairy leaves me in tears, pain and discomfort which range from mild yogurt pain to severe ice cream trauma. From time to time I convince myself that this relationship with dairy will be different, dairy has changed, and I have changed. I go back all excited, but without fail the Eddie and dairy combination is always bad.

Everyone I know has seen me in different levels of pain at the hands of dairy. Patsy can recount to you that fateful night I decided to mix dairy with liquor. As a lactard I should have known that white Russians were a bad choice. Dairy the evil temptress swayed me once again. After one drink I was crippled in pain and the entertainment of the party, a tipsy girl on a couch rocking and mumbling “lactose why am I intolerant of you!?”

Dairy has hurt me one too many times and I am now ready to leave. I have packed my bags, thrown out all remnants of dairy in my apartment and this time I mean business.

Dairy, if you are listening (do you even listen to me?) I am never going to see you again. I have had enough of our toxic relationship and I am going to end it here and now. I no longer care if I look like a freak eating cheese less pizza I am done.

I wish I could quit you, Fuck you dairy it is over for good!

Eddie

Ya Shosla S Uma

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the faux lesbian pop group t.A.T.u.

I first heard about their awesome Russian popness in 2002. The bad and goodness of their pounding techno beats were astounding. The pop duo became a big joke between my high school friends. It was a simple time when you could download music without paying I filled my family computer t.A.T.u. Russian gayness.

Longing for words I actually knew I pre-ordered English album on Amazon. The brown unassuming package arrived at my door on the day the album was released in the U.S. It was a rough day; I was home ill from school but decided to go to school anyway in a delirious fever state to show off the album. My AP Government teacher saw the album on my desk and lifted it up “What is this?” he asked inspecting the homoerotic packaging.

I responded the best way I could, “Fake lesbian Russian dance pop.” My friend sitting next to me was trying to hold in a chuckle.

He shook his head and said “Only you Eddie, only you.”

All of us thought we were the only ones in the USA who knew about t.A.T.u. Our world changed when a good friend first heard “All the things She Said” on the radio. So excited/baffled/at a loss she almost ran her car into a ditch. She ran into the house with the car still turned on and running. This was before cell phones (gasp) and she had to get into the house to call us. It was a joyous and sad moment that we never really recovered from. Our innocence was shattered and our dreams were corrupted. Nothing would be the same, the world was in on the t.A.T.u joke. At first we thought this new found fame would help us, but when the DJ at prom refused to play “All the Things She Said” (and had no clue what we were talking about) my friend and I acted out the music video on the dance floor.

I still own that album every time I hear it play-more then I would like to admit- I am taken back to that magical time in 2002-2003 when fake Russian lesbians ruled our little Western New York high school world.

Yesterday my innocent t.A.T.u world crashed once again, I found out there is a MOVIE ABOUT t.A.T.u PREMIERING AT CANNES. The movie is based on a book that has no English translation I can find (yet) but I am going to track it down if it takes me a lifetime. The movie has Miscah Barton (in her third lesbian positive role), a meat factory, t.A.T.u, drugs, murder, lesbian love, and what will soon be my new favorite line “Fuck everything, except t.A.T.u.”

So, who will be with me opening day? I decided I am going to dress up like it is 2002 and sing every song.
I wish I could quit you,

Eddie

PDX

I just came back from Portland, the city of hipsters (I think you move to Portland and are given 3 choices in attire, Mountain Man, Hipster, or Hippie) I could see myself living in Portland, happily, but it would be a different life then the one I have always envisioned for myself. I thought I wanted businesses suits and fancy dinner parties and old homes.

Here is my imaged day in the life of Eddie if she moved to the West for good.

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS AHEAD

Does anyone else thinks of their life as dictated by their location, am I the only one that sees their life differently depending if they end up in the West, South, and or East Coast? How much of our personality is dependent on the location where we were raised and live?

A good friend from high school and I have decided on a plan titled “Fuck it let’s just move to Portland” it is self explanatory and a valid back up plan.

I wish I could quit you,

Eddie

SSSSSSURVEY SAYS!

So before we delve into the topic of today’s joint update, I have something to share. Please look at this ad I saw on facebook:



“Gross, Lose Weight”??? BBBBAHAHA! That is the most direct weight loss advertising strategy I’ve ever seen. Every time I read it, I hear it in this really distinct, bitchy, sorority voice in my head (not that I’m hating on sorority girls, Eddie was my Big!) I seriously saved the screen shot I took of this ad to my desktop. Every time I feel like going to the vending machine to get some M&M’s, I just open it up and jog a few laps around the office instead.

Anyway, let’s get to today’s update. When I occasionally get bored at work, sometimes I like to find a random person’s livejournal and read it like a book. Sometimes you just need to read an emo teenager’s online diary full of tildes and asterisks, poor grammar, shit talking, My Chemical Romance lyric references and more angst than Hot Topic can shake a stick at. My favorite part of livejournal is the inane personal surveys people fill out. You learn 100 uninteresting facts about random people that you never really wanted to know! These surveys are so un-interesting; I decided Eddie and I should fill one out. I know you’re all dying to know what shampoo we use! ~~**~~ReAD & FiLL It Out BITcHeZZZ!~~**~~

Eddie’s Survey!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
6:45 am-I sat in bed for about 15 minuets figuring out my outfit.

2. What is your favorite color?
American Apparel-Asphalt
Paper Source- Pool

3. Do you like to read?
I’m that girl in the office that reads the New York Times front to back every day and is in the know about every other current event. Why? Because if I am going to sit at my desk, I might as well learn something about the world.

4. Have you ever been in love?
If the standard of love is “never having to say you are sorry,” then that is questionable. But, if “the love you take equal to the love you make” then I would say yes, because I have taken lots of love.

5. How do you take your coffee?
Nuked soy milk and sugar vanilla syrup (in a giant latte cup). I keep the bottle of syrup in my desk because others steal it if I keep it out. I’m 90% sure my office mates think I have a drinking problem and I spike my coffee every morning.

6. Do you eat breakfast?
Hells yes.

7. Do you prefer sleeping alone?
No, however my current bed (http://2birds1blog.blogspot.com/2008/01/snow-angels.html) situation makes it hard to share. My damn little kid bed is the ultimate cunt block.

8. Do you smoke cigarettes?
As a hypochondriac, the last thing I would do is purposefully expose myself to cancer.

9. Have you ever burnt your hair?
Yes, in 1995 I burnt a chunk of it with a curling iron all Little Women style.

10. Do you sleep with a pillow?
What freak does not use a pillow/I should probs date them because I am a pillow hog.

11. What are your habits?
This is vague, but I am going to assume this means daily routine:
6:45 -7:45 am wake up/get dressed/dance around/get to work
7:45-8 Make BKFST at work
8-5: Work (?) and thank Jesus every 10 minuets for g-chat
5-6: Home/Shower
6-7: Eat
7-10: Movies/TV/HULU
10-6:45am: Sleep (yes I am an old lady…I live alone don’t judge)

12. Do you want kids?
At this moment, no. But people I went to high school with seem to be breeding which is odd. A large chunk of them have changed their facebook photos to the fetus/inside of their uterus. That’s exactly what I want to see when I am trying to figure out who has made a mess of their life already—your spawn inside of your body.

13. Are you an only child?
I am your typical older sister.

14. Do you like road trips?
Do you think a girl who hates road trips would drive across country twice?

15. Where do you work?
For a non-profit with a bunch of nuns.

16. Do you brush your teeth in the shower?
NO because I have an electric tooth brush and that’s bad for business. One time in the dorms, a girl was using an electric toothbrush in the shower. Because she was in the shower, I could not see her brushing her teeth. I was convinced by the sounds she was going to town with herself in the communal shower. (Comment from Patsy who is editing this: LOLZ, who was it?)

17. What did you do tonight/last night?
Insurance guy appraised my car due to a fender bender. I took a shower, made dinner, and watched Anne Of Green Gables the sequel.

18. Do you prefer being single, or in a relationship??
Depends, I am starting to think I might be ready for a relationship/regular sex.

19. Have you had many relationships?
Lets put it this way, my sister is 18 and her longest relationship is 8.6 times longer then anything I have ever had and I am in my early mid 20’s.

20. What is your deepest secret?
I am strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.

21. Have you ever been cheated on?
You have to be in a real relationship to be cheated on and as stated, high school kids have had more meaningful sexual relationships then I have.

22. Once a cheater, always a cheater?
Ok just because I used to cheat all the time in high school on tests, and in elementary school I knew when to stop and I never cheated in college.

23. Pajamas or naked?
PJs that always look cute.

24. What do you take when you have a headache?
Web MD headaches until I am CONVINCED I have brain cancer and then call my mom and tell her I am dying. She laughs at me and tells me to take Advil and I tell her that I will not take pills because it will make me freak out more. Then I put on my glasses and my headache goes away.

25. Roughing it or luxury hotel?
My idea of roughing it is a motel 6…

26. Beach or pool?
I thought all beaches were awesome until I went to the Oregon Coast. Yes it is beautiful but not a lounge swimmy beach by any means. This makes me lean towards pool, but a private pool.

27. Would you give your number out to a stranger?
I did last night to Jeff the Insurance guy (in a not sexual way).

28. Ever hitch-hiked?
No, but after a discussion with my uncle I found out that schools found it reasonable until the 1970’s to not have busses pick students up, but make students hitchhike to school.

29. Ever picked up a hitchhiker?
Do I have a death wish?

30. Roses or daisies?
Yellow roses of danger.

31. Do you consider yourself conceited?
At times, like when Chris and I were in the small town gay bar and realized we were the hottest and coolest thing there.

32. Is your hair its original color?
I have never dyed my hair aside from a horrible sun-in incident that took forever to grow out.

33. Do you wear makeup?
I never leave the house without putting on my face.

34. Do you eat ranch with your pizza?
Do I want to have a heart attack by the time I am 30? No.

35. Do you believe in God?
I refuse to comment.

36. Do you have a crush on anybody right now?
I want to fuck Ellen Page, she is my DREAM GIRL. Cute, funny, deep voice, femme but still a little hidden tomboy, OH AND CANADIAN! (Comment from Patsy who is editing this: I hate Ellen Page a lot…this upsets me)

37. Does he/she know it?
No, but in my dreams we meet at a charity fundraiser!

38. What was the last thing you ate?
A Granny Smith apple.

40. Where is your favorite place to be?
Dupont Circle. (Comment from Patsy who is editing this: HA! You’re gay!)

41. Do you think you're attractive?
I am cute for a lesbian.

42. Are you allergic to anything?
Don’t even get me started, I have many allergies and I start to sound like Bill from Freaks and Geeks when I list them all. I also have allergies that are not confirmed but I am CONVINCED I have.

43. Ever had your heart broken?
Yes.

44. Who was the last person to hurt you?
The lady who I got in a fender bender with, if you mean hurt me you mean damaged my property.

45. Who was the last person you hurt?
See above.
46. Do you wear socks to bed?
My feet get freakishly cold so socks in the colder months is a must and during that time I rock my pair of thigh high socks to bed.

47. How do you feel about breast implants?
I like girls with little tits.

48. What kind of shampoo do you use?
FREE PANTINE PRO-V that someone donated and the nuns were all, “What do we do with this? We don’t give away giant bottles because then people will argue over bottle size!”
Like a super hero I flew scooped it up and said, “I can fix this situation.”

49. Have you ever been in love?
Yes I have.

50. Do you think love is real for young people?
Looking back I think the first love is the purest form of love. My first emotional thing also made me realize I was a big giant homo so there are a few things attached to that…

52. What are you?
A Lady

53. Say your opinion, or keep it to yourself?
Depends on the situation, if it will make the professor hate me or lower my grade in some way I keep it all to myself.

54. The snow or the sun?
FUCK SNOW.

55. Have you ever been out of the country?
Oh Canada, and the mother land (Ireland).

56. Where do you want to raise your family?
A major city probably on the East Coast.

57. The city life, or the quiet?
At 14 I thought, “I hate the suburbs, I always want to be in the city” and for some reason after college I thought “lets move out to a tiny town for a year!” I should have re-read my teenage diary.

58. A club, or movie night?
Movie.

59. Mercedes or BMW?
Whichever car has the higher blue book value so I can sell it to fund my desire to be in school forever.

60. Do you like to dress up?
Everyday.

61. How long does it take you to get ready after you get out of bed?
I usually try on about 3-5 outfits before I decide on what to wear, and the outfit dictates hair style and make up and jewelry and shoes. It takes about 45 min to an hour to get out the door ready (barring the 10 min it takes for me to find my keys).

62. Describe your perfect type of girl/boy?
Each female applicant is evaluated on a case by case basis.

63. Save your money or spend it?
I am a penny pincher who likes to spend her money on DEALS and Education.

64. Do you wear a belt?
Now that this belted waist look is in vogue yes, but not normally.

65. How many pairs of jeans do you have?
4 normal pairs, 1 pair I wear in situations such as painting, and 1 pair of jeans for when I am bloated and my normal jeans don’t fit or I want to feel skinny. Every woman needs a pair of fat jeans.

66. Do you want to get married in a church?
Not really because the church of my people regard my bedroom actions as sinful.

67. Shower in the morning or night?
Post work. Trust me, if you worked with homeless populations you would shower the second you got home too.

68. Is there ever a justified reason to lie?
If lying to your parents could be awarded with degrees I would be in the middle of working on my PHD dissertation.

69. Favorite Disney movie?
Cartoon- The Lion King
Human- The Parent Trap Lindsay Lohan ed.

70. What's your favorite movie?
Dr. Zivago (the best movie that led me to make one of the worst decisions my entire college career).

71. Shorts or jeans/pants?
Skirts/dresses.

73. Do you think you and your best friend will still be best friends in 10 years?
Yes, thanks to the INTERNETS.

74. Who's your bestfriend?
I have much IK love, along with a few others I’ve picked up along the road of life. Wait, if life is a road and a pick friends up then friends are hitchhikers…FUCK CHANGE MY ANSWER TO QUESTION #29 to “only friends on the road of life” yeah that sounds better.

75. Are you a good girlfriend/boyfriend?
You would have to ask my exes…

76. Do you like being in a relationship?
From time to time.

77. Hats or no hats?
I wish we lived in a time where people wore hats.

78. Do you fall for people easily?
When I meet someone I like I do, but that is rare.

79. Is it hard for you to open up to people?
Not really.

80. Do you watch what you eat?
Yes, I fear death.

82. What do you want to be in the future?
Someone who has a nice office with lots of fancy diplomas on their wall.

84. True love never dies?
Well love is not a breathing thing so I do not think it can die. But then again the French translation of the word orgasms is little death so I guess love could die. Plus memories in the corners of my mind misty water colored memories of the way we were do not go away.

85. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be?
Perfect teeth, like freakishly celebrity white teeth.

86. Mom or dad?
Depends what I need.

87. How long have you known your best friend?
N/A (Comment from Patsy who is editing this: I’ll answer this for you, you’ve known me since 2003)

88. What’s your favorite meal of the day?
Linner.

89. Do you have any secrets?
They are strong enough for a man but PH balanced for a woman.

90. What is your worst fear?
Dying physically alone, I just want someone else in the room just in case I could be saved.

91. Do you play hard to get?
Not really.
92. Are you hard to get?
No I pretty much check my e-mail and phone with regularity.

93. Do you like Memphis?
I have no opinion on Memphis.

94. Do you use an umbrella?
Ella-ella-ella.

95. Night or day?
A hard day’s night.

96. Where was the last place you went to out-of-state?
I am going to Portland Oregon tomorrow for the weekend. I have lived in Washington State for 10 months now, but I consider myself living perpetually out of state.

98. Do you consider yourself 'nice'?
Not really, Westerns are fucking nice people and I have realized I am little more then a rude Eastern and I am ok with that.

99. Are you fake?
When I answer phones.

100. What should you be doing right now?
“Working”


Patsy’s Survey!
1. What time did you get up this morning?
My alarm went off at 6, I thought to myself “you really need to get up” at 6:30, and I got out of bed at 6:50.

2. What is your favorite color?
My standard answer to this question is black, but then I sound like a gothtard. My favorite color combination is chartreuse, chocolate and bluebell (Paper Source, ever heard of it?).

3. Do you like to read?
Not really. I know that sounds ignorant, but fuck you. Reading makes me sleepy and my little ADD mind gets bored with a book very easily.

4. Have you ever been in love?
No. I thought I was in love once, but it turns out I was just bored.

5. How do you take your coffee?
Large and black. (that’s what she said!) That’s actually not true, I just wanted to make that joke. Large, skim milk, 2 sugars (REAL sugar, not splenda, equal, sweet and low or any of that chalky tasting cancer crap).

6. Do you eat breakfast?
Yes. Fruit and coffee once I get to work.

7. Do you prefer sleeping alone?
Very much so. When I sleep with someone, I get really paranoid that I’m taking up too much room or hogging the covers, so I literally sleep on the very edge of the bed. I wake up in intense pain the next morning because I’ve been clinging to the edge of the bed in the fetus position all night.

8. Do you smoke cigarettes?
No.* There’s an asterisk there because there are times when I will smoke a cigarette. In school I would smoke a cigarette when I was unbelievably stressed out or overwhelmed with a design project. I also sometimes smoke when I’m drunk. I don’t classify myself as a smoker, and I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a cigarette. While we’re on the topic, I’m really offended by preachy anti-smokers. Yea cigarettes will kill you and it’s not a wise choice, but it’s your life, do what you want. Preachy anti-smokers think they’re such better people because they don’t smoke. You probably do something just as detrimental to your body, so just let people be unless they’re blowing smoke around you. Whenever I see those Truth Campaign commercials (specifically the ones with the songs “The Magical Amount” and “It Must Have Been a Typo,”) I want to punch those people in the face and shake Joe Camels hoof.

9. Have you ever burnt your hair?
I flat iron my hair, so yes. But nothing too tramatic.

10. Do you sleep with a pillow?
I sleep with two pillows and a giant snuggly stuffed fox named Jason.

11. What are your habits?
Coffee, alcohol, swearing and sleeping—all in excess amounts.

12. Do you want kids?
Yes, but I get really scared that I’m going to have a MEEK for a kid. I talked to my dad recently about how you avoid that.

13. Are you an only child?
No, I have a sister.

14. Do you like road trips?
YES! In a very big way. I’ve been on so many comical road trips I don’t even know where to start.

15. Where do you work?
I work for a very evil magazine in New York City.

16. Do you brush your teeth in the shower?
No. And it freaks me out when people do…although now that I think about it, I don’t really know why it freaks me out so much.

17. What did you do tonight/last night?
Last night I got home from work, took a nap and went to the Park Slope Ale House with my roommates. Tonight I’m taking a bus to D.C. and partying with my college friends, as it’s American University graduation weekend! Go Eagles and such!

18. Do you prefer being single, or in a relationship??
No clue, I’ve never been in a proper relationship.

19. Have you had many relationships?
I haven’t had a proper “Hey, this is my boyfriend ______“ relationship. The gents come and go, but it never gets to serious.

20. What is your deepest secret?
I killed a man in Reno. With my bare hands.

21. Have you ever been cheated on?
Well I don’t know if you can technically be cheated on if you’re not in an official relationship. I have been hooking up with someone and I thought we were on the road to a relationship, and it turns out they’re secretly seeing someone else, or just hooked up with one of my friends or blah blah blah.

22. Once a cheater, always a cheater?
Probably.

23. Pajamas or naked?
Pajamas, unless it’s really hot and then I like to sleep topless. Which makes the apartment interesting because Blair’s bed faces mine and we don’t shut the door between our joining rooms. Then he tries to ravage me when I’m asleep and it’s super awkward walking to work the next morning.

24. What do you take when you have a headache?
2 Motrin and drink something with caffeine.

25. Roughing it or luxury hotel?
Luxury.

26. Beach or pool?
Pool at the beach. (“He’s got a pool! He’s got a god damn pool at the god damn beach!”………..yes? no? Weekend at Bernie’s quotes anyone?)

27. Would you give your number out to a stranger?
Depends how attractive the stranger is.

28. Ever hitch-hiked?
Jesus God no.

29. Ever picked up a hitchhiker?
“It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.” And that’s all I have to say to that.

30. Roses or daisies?
Roses.

31. Do you consider yourself conceited?
Not in the very least.

32. Is your hair its original color?
I have no idea what my natural hair color is. I have been the following: blonde, dark brown, pink, nutmeg brown, dark red, reddish blonde, and it is currently black.

33. Do you wear makeup?
Yes.

34. Do you eat ranch with your pizza?
No. But when I totally did in Elementary School when we got square pizzas on Pizza Fridays.

35. Do you believe in God?
I believe in a God-like situation.

36. Do you have a crush on anybody right now?
OH EM GEE yes…His name is Ryan and I’m totally on the prowl.

37. Does he/she know it?
No. But as soon as I hunt him down I’ll let him know.

38. What was the last thing you ate?
Venti vanilla latte.

40. Where is your favorite place to be?
In NYC: Bryant Park
In DC: My sister’s roof in Dupont Circle
In Olney: Anna’s hot tub drunk with mah girlzzzz
Abroad: The Rock in Cinque! And I’ll be there again so soon I’m about to pee myself.

41. Do you think you're attractive?
I don’t, but I’m spending lots on therapy to change that.

42. Are you allergic to anything?
Raw cinnamon makes me break out in a rash around my mouth. I’m also allergic to poison ivy. I used to get it a lot in Elementary School and my mom would call me Elephant Man because my face would puff up and get all jacked up.

43. Ever had your heart broken?
Yea, but when I look back I’m like “why the hell did I care that much?” and I feel really stupid.

44. Who was the last person to hurt you?
God. Who made it rain. Which made my hair frizz.

45. Who was the last person you hurt?
I have no idea. I had beef with Blair last night, so maybe him? I don’t think I hurt him though, I think I just ticked him off. We’re roommates, it’s what we do.

46. Do you wear socks to bed?
No and it really stresses me out when I do because I’m totally neurotic like that.

47. How do you feel about breast implants?
I would never get them, but only because I already have freak-show huge boobs. But if someone else wants to get ‘em, mozel tov.

48. What kind of shampoo do you use?
Aussie. I got it only because I wanted to be able to say that I “added some roo to my doo,” and then it made my hair really soft. I win twice!

49. Have you ever been in love?
No. Didn’t we already go over this?

50. Do you think love is real for young people?
I think young people can be in love. But you’re young so you change and develop and mature as a person. You might not like the person you’re in love with anymore after the inevitable changes. I used to love white boys who dressed like thugs. If I married one in Middle School, I’d shoot myself now. Or he’d shoot me depending on how legitimately thugged out he is.

51. ? ?

52. What are you?
Not existential, so I don’t have a good answer for this question.

53. Say your opinion, or keep it to yourself?
These days I’m saying it more and more.

54. The snow or the sun?
Snow!

55. Have you ever been out of the country?
Cayman Islands, Canada, Iceland, Ireland, France, Italy, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Netherlands and Spain.

56. Where do you want to raise your family?
Either NYC or DC. I want to raise my family in a city without a doubt.

57. The city life, or the quiet?
CITY LIFE.

58. A club, or movie night?
Movie night. But with cocktails.

59. Mercedes or BMW?
I’m loyal to BMWs because my dad drove 2, and James Bond drove a BMW in my favorite Bond movie.

60. Do you like to dress up?
Ohhhhh yes.

61. How long does it take you to get ready after you get out of bed?
1.5 hours.

62. Describe your perfect type of girl/boy?
Recipe for Patsy’s Perfect Boy: dresses well but not in a metrosexual or hipster kind of way, has tattoos, strong forearms (sexiest part of a dude in my opinion), is not manorexic, plays an instrument, is not pseudo-intellectual, doesn’t like talking about politics, has a silly sense of humor, very outgoing, honest, likes witty banter, likes PDA, likes to snuggle, loves my friends and can handle what a complete quirky nut job I am.

63. Save your money or spend it?
I am the most irresponsible person with money you will ever meet in your entire life.

64. Do you wear a belt?
I usually do with jeans.

65. How many pairs of jeans do you have?
5 I think.

66. Do you want to get married in a church?
Not at all, unless it’s really important to the person I’m marrying.

67. Shower in the morning or night?
Morning.

68. Is there ever a justified reason to lie?
To save your own ass. Just kidding. Not really.

69. Favorite disney movie?
Beauty and the Beast.

70. What's your favorite movie?
Bring It On: In It To Win It

71. Shorts or jeans/pants?
Shorts? HAH! Not fucking likely.

73. Do you think you and your best friend will still be best friends in 10 years?
I would like to think so.

74. Who's your bestfriend?
I have a billion best friends. I say that not in a cocky way, but because I’m one of those people who if I like you, I’m like “OH MY GOD DO YOU WANT TO BE BFFS MAXPOWER?!??!?!!?!”

75. Are you a good girlfriend/boyfriend?
I’ve never been someone’s girlfriend, but I hope I will be a good gf one day.

76. Do you like being in a relationship?
I like making out.

77. Hats or no hats?
I can’t really pull off hats, but I envy those who can.

78. Do you fall for people easily?
Yes. I fall in love on the subway at least 2 times a day.

79. Is it hard for you to open up to people?
It’s hard for me to open up to people about serious stuff.

80. Do you watch what you eat?
Yes.

82. What do you want to be in the future?
I don’t know and it causes me extreme anxiety every day.

84. "True love never dies"?
Yes. My parents are about to celebrate their 35th anniversary. If you’re lucky enough to find true love, rock that shit!

85. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be??
I want more tattoos but I don’t want to deal with the haters.

86. Mom or dad?
What a fucked up question. Both.

87. How long have you known your best friend?
I think I’ve known my oldest best friend since third grade.

88. Whats your favorite meal of the day?
Brunch.

89. Do you have any secrets?
Yea, but I don’t think I have a personal secret I haven’t told at least one person.

90. What is your worst fear?
One of my family members dying.

91. Do you play hard to get?
Uh, no. I need to work on that.

92. Are you hard to get?
I don’t think so. I think I’m pretty easy to relate to.
93. Do you like Memphis?
I’ve never been to Memphis.

94. Do you use an umbrella?
Yes, it has adorable little poodles on it.

95. Night or day?
I love the nightlife. I’ve got ta boogie.

96. Where was the last place you went to out-of-state?
I’ve made the trek from NY to DC a billion times, besides that, I guess Europe. But that’s out of the country. I guess the last state I went to that wasn’t between NY and DC was Florida when I went to Miami last spring.

98. Do you consider yourself 'nice'?
Here’s my policy: if you’re nice to me, I’ll be the nicest most fun person ever to you. If you’re not nice to me, I can be a snobby, elitist, snarky, unnecessary cunty bitch to you. Just be nice! Geez!

99. Are you fake?
I’m not fake to my friends.

100. What should you be doing right now?
Nothing. I guess I should be responding to Eddie on gchat, but I think she’ll understand that working on the blog comes first.

Happy Cinco De Mayo/Cinco De Ang!

Fifth Annual Birthday Ode to Anna M. Hugo:

I can’t believe it’s been a year since my last birthday rhyme,
But to not reflect on the past 12 months would be a sick, shmeless crime:
In May we graduated and threw our caps in the air,
And off to Europe we went, where we didn’t have a care.
Ice trains, hostels, Stifler and in Switzerland we were hung,
Luigi, Negronis, weed shoes, oh I’m enshuldigung!
But in June we sadly returned to the land of stars and stripes,
Where we spent the next 2 months job-hunting…fuck me, cripes.
We went a little bit crazy while we lived at home and looked for work,
Need I mention we spent an entire day looking for ghosts who lurk?
But late July brought good news—we both got hired!
(Who knew six months in we’d pray to get fired?)
In August we parted as I headed off to the city that never sleeps,
September was spent missing you heaps and heaps!
October brought a reunion for Jill’s 22nd, that surprise in the shower was a bit flubbed,
Things only got more unique, considering we went to Fur Nightclub.
November was yummy with reunions; no food went to waste
December you and Jill came to visit and we all got punched in the face.
January you moved into your sick apartment, that Bethesda dreamboat is phat!
February we were officially dying at our jobs; sustaining life on gchat.
March things got a little rocky, but for me you were always there,
In April you threw me a surprise party and I literally puked at how much you care! (slash I drank a lot)
So that brings us back to >May>, you’ve aged a year more,
I can’t wait to see what the next 12 months has in store!
I hope your day is as great as you are…I guess you’re kinda rad,
But it wouldn’t be your birthday, if I didn’t remind you I fucked your dad.
I hope you enjoyed this ode, just for you it was writ
Best Friends Forever—ever heard of it?

Take your blog to work day!

I worked my ass off in school, I am up to my gills in debt for said education and I almost lost my sanity and my life trying to make it through the grueling design program. But I did it for The Dream (cue inspiration music). The dream to one day move to New York City and become an editorial designer. Well, here I am, and let’s take a look at what I worked so hard to do! Today I’ll be doing a live post every half hour or so about what’s going on. At the end of the day, I’ll click post. Then I’ll jump off the nearest bridge because I worked my ass off to spin around in an office chair and have old women yell at me like we’re performing the dinner theater version of The Devil Wears Prada. Enjoy!

9:10- Arrive to work. Sit in my chair and brood because it’s somewhat humid out, which has caused my hair to frizz. Why is God so unfair and vengeful?

9:15- Prepare coffee and eat watermelon. A drip of water from said melon falls and stains my white shirt. Ponder for 5 minutes why watermelon is so juicy.

9:21- Wikipedia watermelon. FUN FACTS! Watermelons originated in Africa, they are not technically melons, they grow on vines and there are approx. 100 watermelons per vine, China is currently the biggest exporter of watermelons, in the Balkans people put watermelons outside for 10 days after Christmas in the belief that they will turn into “Vampire Watermelons,” which roll around on the ground and pester the living. People don’t fear them because they don’t have teeth, but they know a vampiric transformation has occurred because of the appearance of a drop of blood on its skin. Holy shit.

10:00- File is assigned to me to layout. YES! I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!

11:00- Turn in file. Shit…that was my major task for the day. There are now 6 hours left to do absolutely nothing. What other fruit can I learn about?

11:30- Buy Eddie a necklace from naughtysecretaryclub.com that I’ve been meaning to buy for her for 4 months. Browse other jewelry and try not to buy it for myself. Seriously…Internet shopping is so dangerous and I do it way too often.

12:00- First breakdown of the day. Jay the photo editor emailed me saying she needed to talk to me over coffee. We go to Starbucks where she informs me that Anne (my arch-nemesis, copy editor who hates me for no reason, and antique from The Ming Dynasty) came to her and complained that I had two photo credits in the wrong spots for a file. In reality, this happened because my boss switched around some photos in the file without switching the photo credits. All things considered, this is a minor problem that can be solved by saying “Hey Pats, can you switch these credits?” “You got it, Grandma!” Then I drag my mouse left and then to the right. Done. Instead this relic has to complain to Jay with such gusto, apparently becoming “out of breath with rage” causing Jay to tell her to breathe and calm down. EVERY DESIGNER DOES THIS NOW AND THEN! Why is it so irritating when I do it? I didn’t even do it, my boss did! Jay then informs me that she thinks Anne is trying to get me fired and suggests I quit before that happens. ANNE YOU ARE 76 YEARS OLD! LITERALLY! There are better things to do in your twilight years than think of sneaky ways to get me fired! Watch The Bucket List, for Chrissakes. I didn’t see the movie, but I’m pretty sure Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman go hang gliding, not pick on a well mannered layout artist.

12:17- Second breakdown of the day. I’m required to give a color 11.5 x 17 copy of all final spreads to our Editor, a cunty Jewess who’s famous for being difficult to work with. The following exchange goes down:
Cunty Editor: Is this Anne's file?
Me: Yes.
Cunty Editor: Is this Anne's file that I wanted to go out WEDNESDAY?!
Me: Apparently.
Cunty Editor: (the following is said in a voice used to reprimand your golden retriever for killing a duck,) Remember the look on my face for next time. Now get out. (Meanwhile the anorexic blonde girl on her couch being interviewed for the new editor position looks at me like I’m the lowest human being on the earth. Go eat a pop-tart Karen Carpenter).

The truth is, the layout was late because there was a photo change requested by our editorial director and Anne wasted time scheming and plotting like a middle school girl with a self-esteem problem. Yet, I end up looking like the incompetent asshole. This will now lead to hours upon hours of trying not to punch someone in the mouth and thinking of various ways I would tell off my co-workers. All of the tell-offs involve a lot of swears.

1:04- This is the worst part of my day. Generally by now I’ve had from 1-3 cups of coffee and my bladder is about to explode. The problem here is that I’m way too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. I know this sounds insane, but it’s true. Usually by around 3 I’m about to pee pants and pass out from hunger, so I force myself to get up and remedy my various situations. For now I’ll deal with the pain and look for an e-card to send to Jay to thank her for the comical “cheer up!” e-card she just sent me.

1:09- Go to the bathroom.

1:30- Still paroozing someecards.com because they’re delightful and irreverent. Specifically this one:



I think there’s an actor in the office, but I don’t know who and I don’t want to get up (see above e-card).

2:04- Currently fashioning a hair band out of a paper clip. Damn my shiny, luxurious and vibrant hair! It keeps slipping out (that’s what she said). I’m also having an internal debate about whether or not it would be inappropriate to have the following as my desktop picture:



2:37- I just totally got the paperclip hair tie to work! I scored the edges with my scissors (resulting in a noise that made me want to kill myself. My teeth hurt just remembering it). Anyway, the traction is totally making it stay in place. Yesssss. I’m trying not to think about how much I have to pee again. I’m also making a list of things I need to remember to pack this weekend for my weekend jaunt home with Blair and Serena. I never write in cursive, so each line I try to write in cursive a little differently. My cursive sucks. Does anyone write in cursive anymore? Why did writing in cursive even start? So werid…

2:40- Go the bathroom.

2:45- Wikipedia cursive handwriting. Cursive handwriting came to be because it’s quicker than block text. Cursive records exist from as far back as 6th Century Ancient Greece. There’s been a dwindling emphasis on teaching cursive in schools since the 1960’s. Not nearly as interesting as watermelons.

2:47- None of my officemates in my quad of cubicles are in today, so I went snooping around the old intern’s desk to see if I could find anything to play with. Indeed I found this weird mini zip-up Bible that smells like the library. Time to bible dip! (Bible dipping, from Augusten Borroughs Memoir Running With Scissors, is when you ask the Bible a question, flip to a random passage which holds the answer.) This will keep me entertained for at least 15 minutes.

Q: Will I get fired from this job?
A: “In those days, and at that time, will I cause the Branch of righteousness to grow up unto David; and he shall execute judgment and righteousness into the land.”…shit. Execute judgment and righteousness, is that a yes?

Q: Will I get a totally awesome job after this one?
A: “And they said, Arise, that we may go up against them: for we have seen the land, and, behold it is very good: and are ye still? Be not slothful to go, and to enter to possess the land.”…Ok, so be not slothful and I’ll totally get an awesome job! Yessss!

Q: Will I get some ass at tomorrow night’s party?
A: “So Mephiboshenth dwelt in Jerusalem: for he did eat continually at the king’s table; and was lame on both his feet.”… Any hot guy reading this is more than welcome to continually eat at my king’s table tomorrow night.

Q: Where will I live after my lease runs up?
A: “And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.”…So riverside ‘eh? Nice! And I’ll prosper? Double nice!

3:06- Ok this game is boring now and my cubicle smells musty. Off to bug Anna on gchat.

3:31- Another file is sent to me. Thank God.

3:40- Done. Damnit.

4:00- Realize I didn’t get lunch today and I’m totally starving. I’m certainly not going to go to the deli to get a proper lunch considering I think traveling to the vending machine is an Odyssey. I need something to take my mind off of the hunger…BREATH HOLDING CONTEST!!!! My office record is 1 minute and 27 seconds. I think that transpired in January sometime.

4:24- I spent the last half an hour playing free word association on gchat with Anna. Now I’m just straightening out paper clips and poking them in my cubicle wall.

Ok. So I’m going to press post now. That’s an average day in the life of Patsy McBlogger at work. All of my friends are just as bored as I am at work. Did we really need to go to college to get our degree so we can spend all day getting yelled at, wikipedia things and gchatting??

Sha la la!
Patsy