Discovery!

I woke up the other morning all confused, why was my computer at the foot of my bed? Why was it turned on? Why did have a UK motor boat website pulled up?

Well folks, after checking my internet history I realized I sleep googled. My dream of an impending Tsunami was so powerful, and my need to buy a boat felt so urgent, that I turned on my computer in my sleep and googled motor boats looking for a good deal.

Moral of the story, faced with incoming disaster my first instinct is to google.

I wish I could quit you,
Eddie

Rebel Rebel, You've Torn Your Dress

For some reason during a staff meeting everyone at work decided to share stories of their teenage rebellion. You have not lived until you have heard a nun reference drug use and sex. I did not share mine, but it made me think back to that time in my life.

Between the ages of 13-15 I only hung out with boys, punk rock, skinhead, hardcore boys and I was the riot grrrl in their mix. I often wore short skirts, old school prom dresses or shorts, fishnets or tights, and combat boots ALWAYS COMBAT BOOTS. On a hot summer day in 1998 the boys decided to play with a favored toy among 14 year old males, cheery bombs.

The Runaways classic Cherry Bomb was my theme song, and this meant my participation in the fiery tomfoolery was mandatory. Being little suburban youth in revolt the sewer in my friend’s cul-de-sac was the obvious place to dispose of the flaming pink crackers. After a few rounds were sent down the sewer, the action lost its novelty. I was hot—the fact I was wearing black tights and combat boots might have been a factor in the heat-- and our apatite for destruction was quenched, we called it quits and went inside. My friend’s mother greeted us in the doorway looking livid.

A neighbor saw the boys acting like delinquents and throwing cherry bombs down the sewer. When she went to flush her toilet and it did not work she put two and two together. Our actions messed up the plumbing for the entire cul-de-sac. This lack of flushing lasted for three days (luckily I did not live in the same neighborhood) at the time we had no clue our actions would cause a neighborhood backup.

I apologized to livid mom, and she told me she knew I did nothing and that it was sweet of me to stick up for my friends. I got away with my actions and the boys were grounded. It sucked all my friends could not hang out for a week because of something I did, so in a sense I was socially grounded.

This happened several times and I always got away with my actions and the boys got punished. It taught me being the only girl in a group gets you out of trouble, and if you befriend mothers and they will have your back.

Anyone else share in my teenage taste of delinquency?

I wish I could quit you,
Eddie

The 20 Male Poses of Facebook

For reasons that I’m not going to explain because it makes me look like a giant loser, I was recently looking through all of the guys named Ryan in New York City on Facebook. First, let me say that there are a lot of gents named Ryan living in this city. Although I didn’t find the Ryan I was originally looking for, my quest became a truly interesting study of facebook photos and faux pas.

The Facebook Photo— a bitch and a lover. As a girl, I choose my facebook photo primarily by how unrealistically attractive I look in it. It’s narcissistic, but you can’t deny that you do the same thing. I’m not going to lie, sometimes when I’m getting ready to go out, I’ll evaluate whether or not I’m lookin’ “Facebook-worthy” that night. In other instances I’ll even attend certain events just because I think I’ll get a cute Facebook pic out of it. Overall, it’s accepted that girls use their Facebook pic as an outlet to display their “Oh my Gawd I look HAWT!” pictures. What about guys? With guys it’s harder. It would be a little gay for a guy to display a nicely cropped photo of himself trying to look as cute as possible, workin’ all the right angles and sucking in like the world is about to end. While I was searching through the Ryans, I discovered that there exist 20 different standard shots that guys use for their Facebook picture. It’s like guys got together and agreed that these 20 poses will make them look good without trying to hard because that would be gay dude. The best part is that most of them are a hilariously horrible call. Let’s do a little study, shall we? I present to you, The 20 Male Poses of Facebook!

#1: The High Contrast/Photoshop Filter/iSight Shot


This is the equivalent of walking around wearing a half mask and a cape like the Phantom of the Opera. You’re hiding something. And there’s a large possibility that something is a skin problem.

#2: The Prepster at a Function Shot


He could be at a wedding, cocktail party, engagement party, sailing team reception, whatever. Either way he inevitably graduated from Wake Forest and now works for Ernst & Young.

#3: The Just Hangin’ with my Bros Shot


Whereas girls have an odd ability to quickly line up in cute formation, hug and make a kissy face to the girl to their left, guys have the ability to stand next to their bros, look awkward, barely touch each other and look stoic. SMILING IS FOR PUSSIES BITCH! NOW GET ME A NATTY LIGHT!

#4: The Too Much Party For One Picture Shot


Dude, I was so fucked up that night. Who were those girls?

#5: The I Love my Girlfriend Shot


Awww you love your girlfriend! Sadly 9 times out of 10 the girlfriend withheld sex or whined uncontrollably until he put this as his pic to ward off evil sluts and give his bros something to laugh at him for. There’s nothing like forced love.

Speaking of couples…#6: The Me & My Girlfriend Support a Team! Shot


I was surprised at how many of these there were. I actually find this less offensive than The I Love my Girlfriend Shot. It’s less forced and involves beer.

#7: The THIS GUY! Shot


One of my all time favorite poses. It always makes me wonder, what is it about that guy? That Guy always seems kind of lame and bro-like. What is it about him that makes you not only like him enough to share your Facebook profile pic real estate with him, but also point directly at him? This kid man…this guy…

#8: The Drunk Guido Shot


There’s beautiful consistency in these shots. Ingredients to make a Drunken Guido Shot: year round tan, gelled up hair, groomed eyebrows, designer suit, shirt open, expensive mix drink in hand (optional: slutty girl named Alexa on your arm, name of the lounge’s website at the bottom, usually containing “Nite Life” somewhere, proving that you’re so hot, you’re a local celebrity.) Now aggressively point to the camera like the photographer just insulted your mother’s lasagna.

#9: The I Don’t Know if you Know, But I Work Out Shot


This is an extreme version, but I had to share. Usually this shot is of a guy who just happens to have his shirt off and who just happens to have a 12 pack and just happens to be flexing at the moment someone randomly took their picture.

#10: The Wacky, Fun Guy Shot


I would date this guy and then be surprised when it turns out he has a drug problem and treats me like shit.

#11: The Babby Daddy Shot


When I have a kid, I think I’m going to retire all of this Internet socializing. Know why? Because I’ll be too busy actually raising my kid and not virtually poking people. (That’s a lie and we both know it.)

#12: The Just Jamming with my Band Shot


So emo, I’m not even mad.

#13: The Seasonably Inappropriate Shot


God knows you looked good in that James Bond costume, but it’s June, time to switch up the photo. I have to admit, I have been victim to this shot myself. I have this one picture of myself in my sophomore year Halloween costume where I look ridiculously cute. It’s sort of blurred, I’m wearing Playboy bunny ears and I was caught at the best angle ever. I think I rocked that picture for like 8 months straight before I finally had to retire it. But, all good things must come to end…so let’s retire all Halloween costume pictures, sitting on Santa’s lap shots, and maybe even drunk St. Patrick’s Day pics. Look forward to Earth Day on the 22nd!

#14: The Self-Photographer Shot


Not to be confused with…

#15: The Self-Cell-Photographer Shot


The shittier version of an already shitty action. But then there’s always…

#16: The Accidental Self-Photographer Shot


God Damnit I love these. You can crop a photo all you want, but the telltale elevated shoulder will always give you away. I love these because the photographer/subject truly believes that we will believe he was just caught by someone in this moment of pensive thought. But this isn’t even the height of social retardation and self-photography! We still have…

#17: The Future Pedophile of America Shot


What the fuck? Are you trying to tell me that you don’t have one friend who could take a picture of your creepy ass? Not one person? You’re just forced to sit there in a dark room, creepily lit up by your computer monitor and take it yourself with your web cam? And are you so into your porn and/or Myst game that you can’t be bothered to look in the damn lens and smile? These make me want to take a shower immediately…

#18: The Fuck You Shot


So, let me get t his straight— you’re too cool for Facebook, yet there’s calculated effort to seem badass and aloof. And every Fuck You Shot I found was of a fat little middle schooler like this one. Kid, get a friend and let your hair grow in.

#19: The Throwin’ a Hand Sign Shot


A classic. I understand the need to be doing something with your hands when taking a picture; it’s a little awkward. But a good gang sign or shocker is much better than the middle finger (you little Columbine-esque freak). I don’t know how many pictures exist of me throwing the shocker (not because I enjoy it, just because it makes people uncomfortable and is badass.) However, what is that sign this guy is doing??? It’s…

#20: THE MYSTERY HAND GESTURE SHOT
Ok. What’s going on here? Seriously, what is that? A consistently sideways peace sign? That has to mean something. 20 points to the first person who solves this mystery.


I saw it countless times during my photo-research.


It’s like the carrot sign thingy you use when you’re coding something. Is it slang for something? I thought I knew all of the cool ghetto hand signs! Did I seriously just use a coding reference in trying to prove that I’m cool?

Wow. I’m out.



Sha la la!
Patsy

MMM Risin'

Sorry my internet darlings for my absence, I was on spring break. By “spring break” I mean the delightful Chris came to visit me in the Pacific Northwest, because I bribed him and told he could visit 4 states, HE WANTED TO SEE ME! We spent our days driving around, Idaho, Montana, Oregon, and Washington, going to a small town gay bar (where we can never show our face again) and watching excessive amounts of Teevee on DVD.

One of the several highlights of the trip (if you ask me) was a wedding we attended. Chris’ cousin had her union, in front of god and the state, in Oregon. I was Chris' plus one, or more accurately his beard. As wonder gays who are in the closet around family it is nice to have another member of the team as an insider. What single closeted (to the family) homo would pass up a date that will enjoy a wedding, drink, dance, and make one look straight?

I was quite convincing as a hetro girlfriend and earned my place in history as one of the best beards ever!

Scene: Eddie is 2 bottles of champagne and 2 glasses of wine in, they are at the dinner of a small wedding reception. Only two children are present at this wedding, Chris and Eddie are seated at their table. The young flower girl comes up to Eddie.

Flower Girl: Did you know Chris is a Lesbian.

(Chris looks at me, gets up out of his chair and walks away, I think he said something like “this is a can of worms I am leaving” or that’s what I read in his eyes.)

Eddie: Chris is not a lesbian because he is a boy.

Flower Girl: Yes he is a lesbian! A lesbian is someone who likes girls!

Eddie: No, A lesbian is a girl who falls in love with girls. A boy who likes girls is called a heterosexual…Chris is a heterosexual.

Flower Girl: I’m confused (small child walks away)

That’s right, I told family members Chris was heterosexual. To top it off when I was tipsy I would tenderly grab Chris arm and coon “sweetie, darling, hun please get mama another glass of wine.” I also leaned in close several times to make a gay joke, to everyone else in the room it looked like I was whispering sweet nothings in his ear. If there really was an award for best beard the show I put on would AT LEAST be nominated.

I wish I could quit you,

Eddie