Go ask Alice

Bar trivia. What could be better? A bucket of Miller High Life, getting rowdy with your friends on a Monday night, exercising the brain cells you are simultaneously killing, and the sweet smell of healthy competition in the air. My roommates and our friend Jaimie have started a tradition of going to trivia every other Monday night. My favorite part of trivia might be the team names people chose. People really stepped up to the bat Monday night! My favorites: Ashole, Unseasonably Awesome, I Used to Fuck Guys Like You in Prison, No Guts No Gloryhole and my personal favorite, I Gave up Meth for Lent. This team name was so funny to me, I apparently felt it extremely necessary to change my Facebook status to “Patsy McBlogger is giving up meth for lent.”

…I’ve gotten some feedback about the status…and I think I accidentally started a rumor that I’m a meth addict. And let’s keep in mind I’m from a very shallow and extremely gossipy town. What pisses me off the most about this situation isn’t that people might actually think I’m addicted to drugs, it’s that they think I’m addicted to crystal meth. Why did it have to be the most white trash drug on the market? Damnit!

As I was scanning slides this morning I started contemplating which drug I wish people thought I was addicted to instead of meth. Your drug of choice is like your handbag—it’s a status symbol. Saying I’m addicted to meth is the equivalent of walking around with one of those god awful handbags that was so obviously purchased from a stand in Time Square, adorned with spangles and a tacky pattern or picture of Marilyn Monroe (please see below for helpful visual.)



Oh no, I will not have this. If everybody is going to think I’m addicted to drugs, I’m going to be addicted to the Fendi of narcotics. But which one?

Coke: Initially I thought coke was the way to go. But while coke may be expensive, it still doesn’t speak that highly of you. When I hear someone’s addicted to coke, I automatically visualize acrylic nails, a lot of silver jewelry from Tiffany’s and one hell of a fake tan. I may have dabbled in that look a few years back, but it just wasn’t me. Sorry coke.

Marijuana: Although highly enjoyable, if Marijuana were a handbag, it would be an eco-friendly 100% undyed hemp sack. Not me. Sometimes I spray aerosol hairspray in the air for fun.

Ecstasy: I’m not Katie Holmes and this isn’t Go.

Caffeine Pills/Speed: Way too Jessie Spano.

LSD/Hallucinogenics: Can you even be addicted to Hallucinogenics? I feel like Hallucinogens are one of those drugs everybody does once in their life, a stop sign laughs at you, and you decide never to do it again.

Prescription Pills: Very Valley of the Dolls…While I appreciate the “I stole these from mumsy when we were playing tennis at the Connecticut house” vibe a prescription pill addiction gives off, the recent and tragic death of Heath Ledger might make said addiction too trendy. Never be a slave to fashion.

Whippets: Whippets are the Jansport backpack of drugs. Not appropriate over the age of 14.

Heroin: Hardcore. But also, kind of cool. Trainspotting IS my favorite movie…and it makes you skinny as shit, so people back home would imagine poor recovering Patsy in a Kate Moss-esque kind of way. Also, a lot of hardcore hipsters are into heroin, so it has street cred, but not in a trendy kind of way. Heroin is like a 1990’s Louis Vuitton pocketbook with a really long strap (please see helpful visual below.)



Yes, that style of handbag is scary out of style, but it’s Louis Vuitton, which makes it ironic and cool. It’s irreverent and quirky…like me?? Heroin! Heroin is a perfect match!

So if everyone could help me out and tell at least one gossipy friend that I’m addicted to heroin, I would really appreciate it. I refuse to have people I don’t care about and will never see again picturing me mixing battery acid and Sudafed in my kitchen with no teeth and a scratched up face!

Sha la la!
Patsy