Back to you Jan...

I have a confession: I LOVE watching local news. This obsession started when I realized a big time news TV personality lived on my ticker-treat route. As a young child I knew the rule, hit up the biggest house on the block first. I thought, “this guy is famous, and rich so his candy is bound to be good!” Well folks, you guessed it. Not only was his candy sub-par, he was an asshole.

Since that brush with local news stardom I became addicted. The city I currently live in has laugh out loud funny news for many reasons.

1) The newscasters look like they stepped out of the hit movie Anchorman. The male newscasters have a creepy faces. Their beady eyes appear to flash the words DO NOT LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE WITH YOUNG CHILDREN. The women have big giant hair and equally large teeth. The on-air females giggle/flit with everyone who comes on camera CONSTANTLY. These women even flirt with people off camera, and they wonder why they are stuck in a small news market.

2) One local news station in my area :cough NBC cough: sweetens the deal by allowing high school students to cover sporting events. These kids must be prompted to speak like the kids do now, you know with the slang. There is nothing everyone loves more than full on Internet dialogue. One young man shouted (while jumping up and down) :

“HI Y’ALL! 2 (mime the number 2) 2 NIGHT Will totes b the best game everaaahhH! My BFF is on the field and he is going to TEAR IT UP it is not even lols. I gtg but I’ll brb with the highlights (pretends to highlight invisible paper in hand). (mine the number 8) L8TARRRRRR”

I am not exaggerating his “youthful slang” if anything I downplayed the ridiculousness of his segment.

3) In addition to youth broadcasts the same station uses a 3D map of the area to “SHOW YOU WHERE THE NEWS HAPPENS!” Yet, the news never happens in this area. The map always ends up in another state, or a city far away. The only awesome news that happened in our area was when a guy ran over a police cruiser with his monster truck.

4) The local news also works hard to warn us all of hidden danger. I was lectured on the dangers of the Craig’s List black-market puppy ring. One night (during some quality NBC Thursday programming) at commercial breaks I was informed, “middle school youth received dangerous and detailed sexual education material…full story at 11.”

I admit I fell for the ploy. I was hoping the sex ed material was about poop fetishes or something equally odd. Yet when the story broke I had a hearty chuckle. The sex education scandal did not to place in the Pacific Northwest. I was disappointed the story did not even take place in nearby Montana or California. No, the sex ed scandal occurred in my home area of Western New York. The station draw in was a news story from over 2,400 miles away. I would not even call the sex education material dangerous, it just included up close pictures of the herp and other VD. Let me tell you there is no quicker way to stop pre-teen humping than pictures of the herp.

I think to combat their problem of lack of local news the media markets should go in together and pay off monster truck guy. Get him to once a week crush a new random car…they could even plant it. And it could be a big thing “where will monster truck guy strike?!” Give the appears that MTG is holding the area hostage. Interview people who are taking to drastic measures camouflage their cars. That is significantly better than weekly coverage on the farmers market.

And my parents thought both my majors developed no marketable skills.

I wish I could quit you,

Eddie